Q. Why do traffic wardens have a yellow stripe around their hats?
Q. What do you do when an elephant sneezes?
A. Get out of the way.
Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A. So that they can hide in cherry trees
Q. How many elephants can you fit in a mini-car?
A. Four, Two in the front and two in the back.
Q. How do elephants fly?
A. Like everybody else, in a plane.
Q. Why do all the animals leave the jungle at six o'clock
A. Because that is the time the elephants jump down from the cherry trees
Q. Why have crocodiles got flat noses
A. Because they did not get out of the jungle before the elephants jumped down from the cherry trees
Q. Why are prams so high?
A. So you can hear the baby when it falls out.
Q. What has four legs and flies?
A. A dead dog.
Q. What is white and will hurt you if it falls out of a tree? A. A fridge
If her lips are on fire and she trembles in your arms, give her up man - she's probably got malaria.
The Following Jokes Are Of A More Adult Flavour.
Two tramps were walking down the road and having passed a farmer's manure tip some time ago, one of them thinks the odour is lingering a little long.
The first tramp turns to the second tramp and says "Have you shit yourself?"
To which the second tramp replies, "No".
A few miles further on, the stench becomes unbearable and again the first tramp questions the second tramp.
By now the second tramp is thoroughly annoyed and offers to pull his trousers down to show the first tramp.
The first tramp agrees that this is the only way that his mind will be put at rest.
The second tramp obliges; the first tramp reels back in horror at the terrible brown mass that confronts his eyes.
"I thought you said you hadn't shit yourself" said the first tramp.
"Oh, I thought you meant today."
While walking through town one afternoon, the young priest was approached by a woman who purred,
"A quickie for twentyfive pounds?". Obviousily confused by this advance, the father simply continued on his way;
but within a short span of time, another prostitute beckoned him with, "A quickie for twentyfive pounds?"
The priest returned to his parish and encountered the mother superior. His curiosity overcame him and
he asked "Mother, what's a quickie?"
"Twentyfive pounds," replied the nun, "same as in town."
"My daddy's got two of those." said the little boy, pointing to his grandfather's member while they were using the toilet together.
"Impossible!" shouted the old chap.
"Oh yes he has then," the lad persisted, "He's got a tiny one for weeing with, and a bloody great big one that he uses to clean the Au pair's teeth every night!"
The Pope, the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Moderator of the Church of Scotland were enjoying a day together fishing in a little dinghy on a beautiful lake.
They made an early start at dawn and around about eight o'clock in the morning, feeling a little peckish, they decided that somebody ought to go back for their packed breakfasts.
The Pope offered to go back to the shore, stepped out of the boat, walked across the water, came back with the breakfasts and they went on fishing through the sunlit morning.
At about midday, the Archbishop volunteered to collect lunch, stepped out of the boat, walked across the water and came back with packed lunches.
The sultry afternoon wore on and four o'clock approached.
The Moderator volunteered to go back for tea, stepped out of the boat and went 'kaplonk' into the water.
The Pope nudged the Archbishop:
"Do you suppose we should have told him about those stepping stones?"
The bishop, who was a keen DIY man, was watching a carpenter at work in the house and trying to pick up the odd tip.
But the young carpenter found it a little off-putting and shortly hit his finger with the hammer, whereupon he let out a cry of "bloody hell!".
The bishop tut-tutted and remonstrated, saying he should count to ten and pray for easement.
Unconvinced but chastened, the carpenter continued growing all the more nervous at the bishop's presence.
Sure enough disaster struck again, the chisel slicing off the end of his thumb.
Stifling a scream he looked at the bishop, gritted his teeth and prayed.
Whereupon the piece of thumb suddenly leapt back into place.
"Jesus Christ," said the carpenter.
"Bloody hell," said the bishop.
The vicar was madly keen on golf. One fine Sunday he could resist the temptation no longer.
He hurried through the service and slipped away to play a few holes on a remote part of the course where he thought he would be unobserved.
Unfortunately St. Peter was looking down. Peter turned to the Almighty:
"Do you see that?" he asked.
"Are you going to punish him?"
At that moment the vicar teed up and hit the most tremendous shot he had ever hit in his life, and holed out in one.
"What sort of punishment is that?" asked Peter.
"Ah, don't you see - he won't be able to tell anyone about it!"
In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium.
He was assigned as a rubricator on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.
One day he asked Father Florian (the Armarius of the Scriptorium),
"Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error?
How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else?
Are they ever checked against the original?"
"A very good point, my son," said Father Florian. I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it to the original.
Father Florian went down to the vault and began his verification.
After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest.
As they approached the vault, they heard sobbing and crying.
When they opened the door, they found Father Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book,
both open before him on the table.
"What is the problem, Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks.
"Oh, my Lord," sobbed the priest, "the word is 'celebrate!'"
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Memo to: The Director
Subject: Letter of Recommendation
Bob Smith, an assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Later that afternoon, another memo was sent ....
Memo to: The Director
Subject: Letter of Recommendation
Sorry about that earlier memo, Bob was reading over my shoulder as I wrote it. Kindly read every other line (ie: 1,3,5,7,...)
(not sentence) for my true assessment of him.
My Site, My Page, My Rules, Your Jokes. ( or they become my jokes if other people like them )
There's this woman who's got divorced and is getting a tad bored, so she decides to put an ad in the paper to get a new man.
It goes something like this:
WANTED - MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH. MUST HAVE FOLLOWING QUALITIES:
After 6 months of letters and calls which are crap and useless, she gets a ring on her doorbell. There's this bloke lying on her doormat with no arms and legs.
"What do you want?" she asks.
"Well" he says "I'm answering your ad. I've got no legs, so I can't run away and I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up."
"What about the sex?" she says.
"How do you think I rang the doorbell!"
One upon a time in a land far away a beautiful, independent, self-assured and university educated young princess
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was breathing her last.
A woman and her tight fisted husband were on holiday in Jerusalem when the husband died suddenly.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.