Jokes

Q. Why do traffic wardens have a yellow stripe around their hats?
A. To prevent people parking on their heads.

Q. What do you do when an elephant sneezes?
A. Get out of the way.

Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A. So that they can hide in cherry trees

Q. How many elephants can you fit in a mini-car?
A. Four, Two in the front and two in the back.

Q. How do elephants fly?
A. Like everybody else, in a plane.

Q. Why do all the animals leave the jungle at six o'clock
A. Because that is the time the elephants jump down from the cherry trees

Q. Why have crocodiles got flat noses
A. Because they did not get out of the jungle before the elephants jumped down from the cherry trees

Q. Why are prams so high?
A. So you can hear the baby when it falls out.

Q. What has four legs and flies?
A. A dead dog.

Q. What is white and will hurt you if it falls out of a tree?
A. A fridge

If her lips are on fire and she trembles in your arms, give her up man - she's probably got malaria.

The Following Jokes Are Of A More Adult Flavour.

Two tramps were walking down the road and having passed a farmer's manure tip some time ago, one of them thinks the odour is lingering a little long.
The first tramp turns to the second tramp and says "Have you shit yourself?"
To which the second tramp replies, "No".
A few miles further on, the stench becomes unbearable and again the first tramp questions the second tramp.
By now the second tramp is thoroughly annoyed and offers to pull his trousers down to show the first tramp.
The first tramp agrees that this is the only way that his mind will be put at rest.
The second tramp obliges; the first tramp reels back in horror at the terrible brown mass that confronts his eyes.
"I thought you said you hadn't shit yourself" said the first tramp.
"Oh, I thought you meant today."

While walking through town one afternoon, the young priest was approached by a woman who purred,
"A quickie for twentyfive pounds?". Obviousily confused by this advance, the father simply continued on his way;
but within a short span of time, another prostitute beckoned him with, "A quickie for twentyfive pounds?"
The priest returned to his parish and encountered the mother superior. His curiosity overcame him and
he asked "Mother, what's a quickie?"
"Twentyfive pounds," replied the nun, "same as in town."

"My daddy's got two of those." said the little boy, pointing to his grandfather's member while they were using the toilet together.
"Impossible!" shouted the old chap.
"Oh yes he has then," the lad persisted, "He's got a tiny one for weeing with, and a bloody great big one that he uses to clean the Au pair's teeth every night!"

Religion

The Pope, the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Moderator of the Church of Scotland were enjoying a day together fishing in a little dinghy on a beautiful lake.
They made an early start at dawn and around about eight o'clock in the morning, feeling a little peckish, they decided that somebody ought to go back for their packed breakfasts.
The Pope offered to go back to the shore, stepped out of the boat, walked across the water, came back with the breakfasts and they went on fishing through the sunlit morning.
At about midday, the Archbishop volunteered to collect lunch, stepped out of the boat, walked across the water and came back with packed lunches.
The sultry afternoon wore on and four o'clock approached.
The Moderator volunteered to go back for tea, stepped out of the boat and went 'kaplonk' into the water.
The Pope nudged the Archbishop:
"Do you suppose we should have told him about those stepping stones?"

The bishop, who was a keen DIY man, was watching a carpenter at work in the house and trying to pick up the odd tip.
But the young carpenter found it a little off-putting and shortly hit his finger with the hammer, whereupon he let out a cry of "bloody hell!".
The bishop tut-tutted and remonstrated, saying he should count to ten and pray for easement.
Unconvinced but chastened, the carpenter continued growing all the more nervous at the bishop's presence.
Sure enough disaster struck again, the chisel slicing off the end of his thumb.
Stifling a scream he looked at the bishop, gritted his teeth and prayed.
Whereupon the piece of thumb suddenly leapt back into place.
"Jesus Christ," said the carpenter.
"Bloody hell," said the bishop.

The vicar was madly keen on golf. One fine Sunday he could resist the temptation no longer.
He hurried through the service and slipped away to play a few holes on a remote part of the course where he thought he would be unobserved.
Unfortunately St. Peter was looking down. Peter turned to the Almighty:
"Do you see that?" he asked.
"I do."
"Are you going to punish him?"
"I am."
At that moment the vicar teed up and hit the most tremendous shot he had ever hit in his life, and holed out in one.
"What sort of punishment is that?" asked Peter.
"Ah, don't you see - he won't be able to tell anyone about it!"

In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium.
He was assigned as a rubricator on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.
One day he asked Father Florian (the Armarius of the Scriptorium),
"Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error?
How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else?
Are they ever checked against the original?"
"A very good point, my son," said Father Florian. I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it to the original.
Father Florian went down to the vault and began his verification.
After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest.
As they approached the vault, they heard sobbing and crying.
When they opened the door, they found Father Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book,
both open before him on the table.
"What is the problem, Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks.
"Oh, my Lord," sobbed the priest, "the word is 'celebrate!'"

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Memo to: The Director
Subject: Letter of Recommendation
Bob Smith, an assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.

Regards,
TLP
Project Leader

Later that afternoon, another memo was sent ....

Memo to: The Director
Subject: Letter of Recommendation
Sorry about that earlier memo, Bob was reading over my shoulder as I wrote it. Kindly read every other line (ie: 1,3,5,7,...)
(not sentence) for my true assessment of him.

Regards,
TLP
Project Leader

My Site, My Page, My Rules, Your Jokes. ( or they become my jokes if other people like them )

There's this woman who's got divorced and is getting a tad bored, so she decides to put an ad in the paper to get a new man.

It goes something like this:
WANTED - MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH. MUST HAVE FOLLOWING QUALITIES:

1. WILL NEVER RUN AWAY

2. WON'T BEAT ME UP

3. MUST BE GOOD AT SEX

After 6 months of letters and calls which are crap and useless, she gets a ring on her doorbell. There's this bloke lying on her doormat with no arms and legs.

"What do you want?" she asks.

"Well" he says "I'm answering your ad. I've got no legs, so I can't run away and I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up."

"What about the sex?" she says.

"How do you think I rang the doorbell!"

One upon a time in a land far away a beautiful, independent, self-assured and university educated young princess
came across a frog as she sat atop a silken cushion,
contemplating various ecological issues beside the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

Just as luck would have it, the frog hopped into the Princess's lap and said
"Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young Prince that I am,
and then my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother.
There you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing it"

That night, while dining on lightly saut�ed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought "I don't think so!"

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"You know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's.
Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman.
"Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar.
Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid.
All on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl�s flat.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, replies, "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I�m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn�t feel a thing!" she replied.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven, ' says St. Peter. ' Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. ' ' No problem, just let me in, ' says the man.
' Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. '
' Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
' I'm sorry, but we have our rules. '
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ' Now it's time to visit heaven. '
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. ' Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. ' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ' Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand, ' stammers the MP. ' Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was breathing her last.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried to give her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and ,remembering a
bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas,
she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little.... then a little more. Before they knew it,
she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Reverend Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom."
She raised herself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow."

A woman and her tight fisted husband were on holiday in Jerusalem when the husband died suddenly.
The funeral company said it would cost £ ₤ �5000 to bury him at home or £ ₤ �500 to bury him in Jerusalem.
The wife said ship him home. The undertaker said "but why madam don't you bury him here in the Holy Land and save the money?"
The wife said "a long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead ... I can't take the chance!"

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."